“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes well, you might find you get what you need.” Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
While he said he doubts challenging workplace conversations served as inspiration for the Stones’ famous song, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” the words have a ring of truth for what we encounter in the office, according to Art Petty, who is offering 11 core principles for positive persuasion.
Writing on ArtPetty.com, the author noted that “Rare is the manager who has too many people or too large of a budget for the tasks ahead. Mostly, the work of managing is learning to do a lot with a little and then doing just a bit more with less. However, some individuals manage to break out of this mold and secure the resources needed to build and prosper. These individuals invariably (and often unknowingly) are masters of the principles of positive persuasion.”
According to Petty, the 11 Core Principles of Positive Persuasion are:
1. Positive outcomes for all parties
“Every request you make requires someone to do something. While asserting power or calling on the greater good of the organization might work for a while, there’s a difference between grudging compliance and active support. Operate with the goal in mind of helping create positive outcomes for everyone involved, and you improve your odds of gaining an ally along with sustained support over time”
2. Data and logic don’t sway; emotions win the day
“You can argue on the side of data until you’ve exhausted all of the oxygen in the room,:” wrote Petty. “However, people make decisions to help others or to change their minds based on emotions. We’re wired this way. Know your stuff. Bring data to back your perspectives, but lead with data and you’ll struggle to gain support.”
3. Arguing builds resistance
“The harder you push, the more you cement someone’s view of a situation,” Petty stated. “The harder you pull, the more resistance you encounter. While arguing over direction and resources is considered sport in some organizations, it is ineffective at best. This issue is fatal to gaining cooperation and totally within your power to change.”
4. Interests over positions
“Speaking of arguing, if you listen carefully, mostly people argue over positions and fail to uncover interests,” Petty wrote. “They focus on the, ‘I want.’ Powerful persuaders understand the benefits of digging deep to uncover the interests (what they really need) of other parties and then designing approaches that allow everyone to meet their unique interests.”
5. Give control to gain support
“Once you give control over something important to the other party, you’ve gained their emotional support in helping you find a way forward. People crave control and rebel at being told what they have to do. This may be the second most powerful tool to gaining support–second only to showing empathy described in point #8 below.”
6. People prefer choices
“No one loves an ultimatum or a single choice,” observed Petty. “Give them two or three and let them choose the method and you’ll get what you want. Better yet, give them two and let them suggest one that fits somewhere between your two.”
7. Move from fear to opportunity
“Your ability to highlight something like a genuine opportunity versus some unknown that incites fear will propel you to positive outcomes.”
8. Flex to show empathy
“Most of us operate with what is described as an “empathy deficit.” In approaching a difficult person or difficult topic with a fearful person, flex hard to show your empathy for them and watch resistance begin to melt. In part, you’re triggering mirror neurons here as the other party perceives you understand them. Master this and the rest comes easy!
9. Reframe situations to shift a person’s view
We anchor hard on our core beliefs,” said Petty. “However, if the circumstances are suddenly framed differently, those beliefs lose some or all of their strength. You needing another headcount is stressful to your boss. You helping her achieve one of her critical goals is priceless. The headcount issue is ancillary to the goal focus. Let your boss help you figure out how to get that headcount and you’ve won. And so has she!”
10. Rewards over threats
“We’re wired to respond to both rewards and threats in different ways. Instead of kicking your counterpart into amygdala hijack, emphasize the rewards,” Petty said.
11. Positive talk promotes progress.
“People see potential when the focus is positive, and along with empathy, this promotes the right kind of mirroring,” according to Petty. “It’s tempting to focus on the negatives, but you need to do the opposite.”