LAS VEGAS–One of the most successful professional football players of all time said he never would have made it to the Hall of Fame had it not been for a bully when he was a kid. And in that experience, he said, there is a lesson for anyone who is a leader--or wants to be.
Tony Gonzalez, who played in the NFL for 17 years with the Kansas City Chiefs and Atlanta Falcons and who holds the league record for receptions and yards by a tight end, shared the story of his life, his professional career (after deciding not to pursue an NBA career) and the lessons away from football he has come to learn during a Q&A at NACUSO’s Network conference.
The Q&A was moderated by Becky Reed, CEO of Lone Star Credit Union.
Here is a look at what was discussed:
Reed: You have talked about how your parents weren’t really sports fans. How did you and your brother get involved in sports?
Gonzalez: It’s strange but most of the people I played sports with come from a sports background. My parents, my grandparents, no one did that. It was my older brother, Chris, who was two years older than me who got me involved. The genes for sports were really there, but he is the one who got me into football. I didn’t really like football that much. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for me. I played Pop Warner football and I wasn’t very good when I put on pads. There was something about running into people full speed. I was scared, and I quit. The next year my mother, who is from the South Side of Chicago, said you are not quitting this time. I didn’t quit, but I didn’t play that much. I had to figure it out from there.
Reed: Was there someone in particular who gave you that stick-to-it-tivness?
Gonzalez: I had no pressure. No one really cared. No one really went to my games. Some think that’s sad, but I didn’t care and there was no pressure. I think that’s better. When you can do something because you love it and you come to it on your own, and it’s a slow process, there is a longevity to it. You’re doing it because you want to. You’re not forced to. I’m very cognizant of that with my four kids. My daughter goes to tennis three hours a day, four days a week. I tell her she doesn’t have to do that.
When I was a kid I had a bully, Curtis Parker. He had a reputation for beating people up. I was scared. He would come to school every day and I would hide my skateboard behind a bush, grab it and ride home. I did this every day for months. I hid out at home. Then he calls me on the phone and says, ‘Why do you keep ducking me?’ I said, ‘Why do you want to fight me?’ He said, ‘I heard you talking trash.’ Which I had. He said, ‘When are you going to quit being a wimp?’ I said, ‘Give me three weeks.’ I’m in my garage training like Rocky, getting ready for the fight. The day of the fight comes, the whole school knows, my mom knows, my brother.
So, I’m going to the fight with no friends and riding my skateboard through the park. There are more people there than in this room. I’m by myself. I thought I was going to get beat up in front of everybody, so I did what chickens do, I went home and hid. Something like 50 kids came to the house and were telling me to come out. I was in a closet in my house. The next day at school got even worse and now people can’t even be seen with me. I’ve been that guy who’s not cool, who has no friends.
But it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. This goes on all the way to graduation, my whole family is there. I’m hiding, my family comes looking for me and they discover me. And that moment changed my life. I looked at the looks on their faces and I was so tired of being scared and running. I determined I wouldn’t see that look again and I made up my mind this wouldn’t happen again. I went looking for Curtis and never found him. That next year I went out for football and first day of pads, best guy on team, calls me to front of line and says ‘Go against me.’ It was the Oklahoma Drill, which is now outlawed. It’s Neanderthal. We hit each other so hard. That was the first time I was like ‘I got this, it’s nothing to be afraid of.’ All of that happened because of that bully.
And yes I saw him my junior year of high school. By then, I’m 6’5, 220. He hadn’t grown any bigger. I’m looking down on him. But I didn’t kick his ass. I look at Curtis and that fearful moment and worst year of my life and I am grateful for that. I wouldn’t be sitting here if it weren’t for Curtis. There’s that great saying that the obstacle is the way. You have the power to make it right. I realized that at a young age and it stuck with me. As I tell my kids now, there is a fire inside you. No matter what happens, it all goes on the fire and it burns brighter. It makes us better. Now it’s about are you killing time or are you bringing time to life? I learned that early and it made the biggest difference of my life.
Reed: What made you choose football over basketball?
Gonzalez: It chose me. I was having a pretty good basketball career (at the University of California-Berkley). My junior year I had declared to go to the NFL and I was projected as a first round draft choice. But I wanted to finish out basketball, and people told me I was stupid, that I could get hurt. But I loved basketball. I had a great NCAA tournament, played against Dean Smith, Vince Carter and North Carolina. One of the best compliments I got was from Dean Smith in the Sweet 16. I was averaging like 20 points up to that time. He walks by and he says, ‘I just want you to know if you want to you could go to the NBA. Good luck tonight.’ And then he turns around and he says, ‘By the way, I’ve got something special for you tonight,’ and he gives me a wink. They had this 7’3 guy, these two 6’9 guys, I’m 6’5. They had them around me. The coolest thing is Dean Smith had to prepare for me. But I had four points.
I could have made it in the NBA and I would have been just another guy. I really love football. I tell kids, ‘Go with what you’re naturally talented at.’ People say, ‘I’m going to follow my dream, my heart.’ You can do that if you want. But it wouldn’t have happened for me. At that time I loved basketball more than football.
Reed: How did you stay healthy and only miss two games?
Gonzalez: A lot of it is luck. A lot of times it’s just luck. The film would show if your foot was in the ground a second longer an offensive lineman would have rolled over it. It also helps to learn how to take a hit. I figured out pretty quick you can be the tough guy if you want—you can do it for a few years—but in the NFL these are full-grown men coming after you. You’ve got to learn when to say when. There are times you have to know when it’s time to go down. I would sometimes jump backwards to absorb a hit. I was also very cognizant of getting the rest, hydrating correctly. I’m a big believer in sleep. I think that’s the number-one hack you can do. Get your rest.
Reed: Let’s talk leadership. How do you become a leader in a team sport and in the locker room?
Gonzalez: It was an evolution for me. When I was younger I was really intense about being the best player I could be. I led the NFL in dropped passes my second year. I got written up as a bust, booed by the home fans. I was working my butt off and I had to figure out why that wasn’t working. When you are a pro football player, it’s no longer about talent. Everybody in the room is talented. You’re fast. So is he. You’re strong. So is he. So, how do you distance yourself? I had to read. Reading changed my life. You get to spend time with great minds. That really changed my routine on the football field. I would go early and catch balls. That’s the way I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to lead by example.
The best players on the field, 98% of the time, put the most work into it. My evolution as a leader, and it took me a while to figure out, came when I put more emphasis on speaking up. I had to become that vocal guy, especially in Atlanta. It was also about recognizing that we are all in this together. That’s not a corny thing to say. It doesn’t work unless we are all on the same page. The best teams I’ve been on the players were all accountable to each other. As the saying goes, it’s about the name on the front of your jersey, not the back. The reason Tom Brady is so great is he checks is ego at the door. Ego is no Amigo. He’s never been the highest paid quarterback. He recognizes it takes a team to be successful.
Reed: On your podcast you interview successful people and found some unique things about them, like they are risk takers. What have you learned?
Gonzalez: There is a difference between taking a risk and gambling. I am big into taking risks and that’s what I’ve seen with the entrepreneurs, the great athletes, they are always pushing the envelope and are not afraid to look foolish. They push past the fear of looking ridiculous. After my second year in the league I stopped caring about what the crowd would think, what coaches would think. I was playing with freedom. Taking a risk can be the same thing as being free. When things go off script, that’s when it’s fun to watch. You can’t be in your head. To me that all ties back into risk-taking.