By Frank J. Diekmann
March Madness is here, and while most eyes are on the college basketball tournaments for both men and women, we know credit union leaders across the country are focused on Madness of their own. And it’s not limited to March.
So, this is for every one of you who are questioning the slow erosion of your sanity. Below you’ll find the 64 teams in the Credit Union March of Madness tournament brackets, along with my picks on that which is most likely to drive you crazy.
Let me hear your picks.
East Region
Site: One of those historic towns that are small enough to have “Ye Olde" charm but large enough to have “Ye Newe” conference hotel.
Member who doesn’t understand why interest is charged on loans vs. CFO who never seems to bring good news.
Frank’s pick: You gotta go with the oblivious member here; the CFO doesn’t control the market (even if he/she believes they do).
Board members returning from meeting with “lots of ideas” vs. Insiders in senior management taking everyone’s capital for themselves in a merger.
Frank’s pick. There are few issues more maddening in this year’s or any year’s tournament than insiders cashing in on the members’ savings account. This is a madness that should make everyone mad.
Work-from-home employee who wants to be in the office/office worker who wants to be at home vs. Hybrid worker who doesn’t like the in-office day that works for everyone else.
Frank’s pick: This may go to overtime, but I’m going with the hybrid employee.
That Zoom call to talk about scheduling a Zoom call vs. The humblebrags on LinkedIn.
Frank’s pick: I’m honored and humbled to announce you can at least skip the LinkedIn posts.
A core conversion vs. Requirement to regularly change password.
Frank’s pick: You can roll your eyes and change your password, but you’ll never restore your sanity after a core conversion.
The member who was warned to absolutely, positively not click on that link, who then clicked on that link vs. The employee who was warned to absolutely, positively not click on that link, who then clicked on that link.
Frank’s pick: This is a slam dunk: It’s the employee—that’s what the training (and more training) was supposed to be for.
Member who believes it’s the CU’s job to keep them from overspending vs. Everyone who believes overdrafts should be free because “you’re a not for profit, ain’t ya?”
Frank’s pick: This one’s going to overtime, with the former winning by one at the buzzer.
Weekly call from larger CU about merging vs. The board that sees no reason for succession plan, as Stan will never retire/die.
Frank’s pick: The former is an aggravation, and you can even hang up, but the latter wins the madness award because it’s so easily addressed.
Midwest Region
Site: A reasonably priced Holiday Inn with a buffet.
The endless attempts by scammers to penetrate the system vs. Criminals whose idea of ATM withdrawal involves a truck and a chain.
Frank’s pick: The scammers’ relentlessness is easily most maddening.
That one person at conference whose name you cannot recall and whose nametag is always backward vs. The other person at the conference whose name you know all too well because they seem to be stalking you.
Frank’s pick: Some of those stalker attendees feel like they’re two degrees away from an episode of Dateline NBC.
Just one more compliance issue vs. Just one more legal issue.
Frank’s pick: Compliance is maddening, sure; but legal issues include not just madness but also a huge expense.
Learning just how much those years of payday loans have cost the member when they could have come to the credit union in the first place vs. The member who resolved their Visa card debt by transferring it to their Mastercard. And then their Discover. And then…
Frank’s pick: You can refi the latter, but all that money lost forever with the former will lead to involuntary headshaking.
CFPB/ NCUA vs the State Regulator
Frank’s pick: This match-up is so obvious Vegas wouldn’t even give it a line.
The course never taught at CU management school on how to peaceably settle ridiculous yet passionate office kitchen disputes vs. The uncomfortable conversation over the dress code.
Frank’s pick: You can put a dress code in place, but good luck planning for every imaginable microwave/refrigerator scenario.
The 99% of members who are happy and never say anything vs. The 1% who are unhappy but are happy to tell everyone on TikTok.
Frank’s pick: I mean, they even put the complaint to music and then it went viral? C’mon!
The micromanaging boss vs. The micromanaging board.
Frank’s pick: Well, if you’re waiting for the board to turnover, umm…
Mountain Region
Site: Hotel with nice views but not so nice so attendees leave early.
Employee who is late to HR meeting about employee tardiness vs. Employee who literally says “literally” in every sentence.
Frank’s pick: At least when the former finally arrives, you can literally show them the door.
Responding to a coworker and then realizing they have an earpiece in and aren’t talking to you vs. Employees who have no clue as to what a credit union is.
Frank’s pick: The latter should be disqualified from the tournament.
Members’ plastic cards that simply stop working at random vs. The long-time member who closes accounts to get that five extra basis points.
Frank’s pick: You are simply going to lose some members over price, but intermittent bugs will drive anyone intermittently mad.
The AI that generated new policy on its own vs. The LOS that doesn’t always like to talk to the core, apparently depending on mood.
Frank’s pick: What’s a “hallucination” for AI is a nightmare for a credit union.
The week invested in onboarding that new employee you really, really like who just ghosted you for an extra $1 an hour at the Taco Bell vs. The idiot who literally drove through the drive-through.
Frank’s pick: Insurance will cover the latter, but no level of assurance can help you retain the most promising talent.
That new employee who can’t believe they’re not in senior management by their second week vs. That new employee who peaked on day one.
Frank’s pick: Drive beats complacency in every game.
Going long when you should have stayed short vs. Going short when you should have stayed long.
Frank’s pick: if you went short, at least you can recalibrate faster at halftime.
The member who asks whether he/she should apply for the auto loan before or after filing bankruptcy vs. The member whose loving embrace of BNPL is not reflected on their credit report and you don’t learn of it until…
Frank’s pick: The sneaky surprise of the latter wins this matchup.
West Region
Tournament site: A nice coastal resort that no matter how you try to get there takes longer than you think.
Hearing a new acronym/abbreviation in credit unions you haven’t heard before and don’t want to admit you don’t know, vs. That pesky office chair with the one wheel that isn’t quite right.
Frank’s pick: That sticky wheel will eventually have you humming the Looney Tunes theme.
Witnessing time actually coming to a stop at the city/county office that needs to approve that permit you very much need vs. Wondering how you fell for that smooth vendor’s pitch in the first place.
Frank’s pick: Asking yourself why you also didn’t just get a government job wins this game.
Struggling with that new office printer that no level of IT genius, expertise and extreme cursing can get it to connect to the CU’s network vs. The cost of that must-have technology that replaces the must-have tech from the year before.
Frank’s pick: It’s always the should-be-simple stuff that will drive you to Zen apps and sedatives.
The troll law firm that found buried deep on your website some text that should have been updated even if no member has ever read it vs. The infinite imagination of fraudsters magnified by AI tools.
Frank’s pick: Yes, the latter is a significant threat, but those lawyers should be jammed in a pneumatic tube and shot into space.
The co-worker who took the last two donuts at the morning meeting vs. The staff meeting that was going so well right up until one person announced, “I don’t want to talk politics, but…”
Frank’s pick: You probably don’t need that donut, but you most definitely don’t need an office civil war.
The irony of CUs that grow capital to ridiculous levels at a cost to their members and, ultimately, their ability to survive vs. Massively expanding the FOM as a way to grow when the current FOM is being underserved.
Frank’s pick: Even applying that 40% capital to the spread won’t help you win this one.
The view that every fee is “junk” vs. The apparent lack of anyone looking out for the long-term interests of credit unions and their members.
Frank’s pick: What’s really junk is the troubling shortsightedness and absence of anyone in the “community” acting like they are part of one, and instead spend their time tweeting and Instagramming about their “amazing journey.” It’s my pick to win the CU Madness tourney.
Sacrificing an hour of your life that you will never get back listening to a conference keynoter share an hour full of glimpses of the obvious so blinding that two eye patches and sunglasses can’t reduce the glare vs. Reading this column and watching March Madness when you’re supposed to be, you know, working.
Frank’s pick: Seriously, get back to work.
Frank J. Diekmann is Cooperator in Chief of CUToday.info and can be reached at Frank@CUToday.info. Mr. Diekmann is also author of several new book, including the brand new “The Last Lyric,” a humorous satire about a murder investigation at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in which every line of dialogue is either a classic pop/rock song title or lyric. Available on Amazon, Apple iBook, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. Mr. Diekmann is also author of a non-fiction compilation of the very best & worst he has seen and heard in covering more than 500 CU meetings and conferences, “501 Name Tags: How Everything You Need to Know About Business Can Be Learned at a Conference & Forgotten in the Trade Show.” It is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple, Lulu, and Smashwords.